Benjamin's Blog

5 minutes alone... - 6:55am Tue June 30 2009
By: Benjamin

Paul said it best when he said:

"I read your eyes, your mind was made up. you took me for
A fool...In the past. taken advantage of because you know where I've come from. My past.
You've waged a war of nerves
But you cant crush the kingdom...
I ask you please just give us
5 minutes alone"

I will answer any questions one may have about how weak I am. My countenance shall become a pounding rain of pain which shall admonish any thoughts of interrupting my way of life.

I am not to be underestimated.

My soul has a power behind it you haven't yet opened your eyes to see!

My life is strength inside and out.

Pushing the limits of my own thresholds of agony and pain to reduce any power one may attempt to hold on me.

Jealousy is for the weak...but I am strong!

Run run run away from your responsibilities while I hold on to being a real man. My will is of steel and I shall not be overcome by weakness.

Pushing all thoughts of pity from my mind. Abolishing any thoughts of rejection. Each day learning that through my children, Lord and self I can become a tool of strength and might the likes of which you have never experienced.

Long time in the making... - 1:17pm Mon June 29 2009
By: Benjamin

Well I don't know if anyone reads this anymore, but regardless my marriage is in shambles. I have been in the greatest depression of my life for the past 2-3 months, my family is in ruins and I am trying to let the good Lord lead me on my way because I am so confused and in disarray that I don't know what to do with myself, where I belong or how I can function.

My wife hates me, doesn't trust me, can't forgive me and thinks she's in love with a man who has no respect for the vows we took before God.

I personally believe this guy (who is from her past at a high school she has told me she hated) should be a God fearing man and tell her to work on her relationship with God and her marriage rather than trying to break it up for his own selfish gains. I think he's trying to use her to get out of his mothers house and he is going to take advantage of her good-willed nature.

She is a good person down deep (regardless of what anyone else says), she is just very confused about herself and needs to open her eyes to the Lord to truly find her calling and happiness. I will always love this woman no matter what she does to me, however evil her words, any actions she takes against me. I don't believe in divorce (however much that seems the only option sometimes), I always believe that anything is possible if only some honest, compassionate effort is placed on fixing the problem.

Matthew 19:26 "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

She wants to me to turn off my emotions in order to feel comfortable communinicating with me...but then asks me to be understanding of her financial situation.

I cannot do both. I must be one or the other compassionate or without compassion. I am not wired to be heartless. I am strong man with a zest for living life through my emotions and to learn to love others and share in life's joys.

She is gathering her things from my home today and leaving to get her own apartment.

For the past 4 months she has told me how she wants to work on our relationship and to become my best friend using the space between us as a means to help her find forgiveness within her to come back to our marriage.

I don't believe her because if that was the case...she wouldn't be communicating with someone else about how she feels....she'd be communicating with me.

I think that she's lost and I cannot force her hand to mine. The only one who can save her now is the Lord. But if she isn't willing to see what he wants from her...her life will never change and I will never have my wife back in my life as my friend and companion.

I want to move on with my life...but I have been so connected to her for the past 10 years that I really don't want anyone else involved with me but her. I married her...not someone else.

I have to admit I made a lot of mistakes while I was married to her. I was not loyal to her, I lied to her, I was verbally abusive sometimes, I invited other people into our marriage (which is where the other guy came from).

She did all of these things to me as well. This would have most people asking themselves "And why are the two of you together or how have you made it this far?".

Well...the biggest reason is because we were in love at one point. And I think we were afraid to be alone. I still am very afraid to be alone. She is still afraid to be alone, otherwise she wouldn't need to leave me for another man who she thinks she's in love with...she would just leave me.

She has left me and our children 4 times in the past 6 months. She kept coming back and declaring her love for all of us and telling us all how sorry she was for doing all of this to us, how she will never doubt me again, how she will forget him...but every time she leaves she says she just can't let go of this other man.

I have to look at the Lord and just focus there...but in my heart...I think she's going to leave me for this other man and have a Godless life for good.

That pains me deeply. It has caused me great mental and emotional strife because I felt I had a best friend already...but now have lost her.

I am so very alone inside. Anger seems the only way to overcome the depression.

If I can channel my hate to productive I won't find it hard to impress the Lord, myself and my children.

I just have to remember to focus my anger into honed raw energy.

Let that new look in my eyes make my spirit arise.

Forget the past and let the present tense consume and last.

Use this anger to punish my pain and my faith as a sword to strike down those who would poison me.

I must find my backbone I cannot allow myself to see failure as an option. My determination and the tenacity the Lord has placed in me makes me a force to be reckoned with for any man who stands against me and my family.

I must learn to love the hate that fuels the loss of my pain instead of allowing myself to mourn the loss of my wife.

She chooses just as I do...who's left standing by who when the bones are rolled?

My inner-unity must confide into a dense pelt of armor which shields me and my family from anyone who wishes to confuse and petrify the love I contain within.

Feel the raw power consume me and allow His presence to push my boundaries in measures of pain! Steely knives through my heart to equal His sacrifice! Stab the weakness, life kills, fear is the mind-killer! Power within from Him.

My Lord makes me strong and my strength comes in number.

A ward of peace with a sword and shield of mind and tongue.

No patience for those unwilling to act upon the ways they know should be right.

Bury the fools and their lack of empathy and sympathy.

No safe place for the wicked to hide in my mind.

Run run run...for I come with the fiery sword of the Lord to strike down you oh fear and bleakness!

I am a new man in the making...long time coming and hardened to the core, from pain, tests and death my soul endured!



What a pretty picture... - 3:43am Tue May 26 2009
By: Benjamin

Seems so easy to paint that picture...so black and deformed.

Seems so easy to paint another picture so full and so bright.

Not so long ago, those pictures were the same.

You can't erase that paint.

Such a shame you just didn't learn how to become a painter like me.

Artwork in print - 11:48am Thu January 22 2009
By: Benjamin

I am so excited to have met Emmanual "Manny" Paige of Macabre Cadaver magazine. I submitted some work and was published in the magazine (available at www.macabrecadaver.com ).

He was kind enough to use an illustration and some of my photography.

The magazine is very abstract and provides a good outlet for artists, poets and story writers for the darker side of life.

Check it out for yourself.

Another year - 10:26am Wed January 7 2009
By: Benjamin

Happy 2009!

I hope you all had a safe and happy new year. I stayed at home with the family and relaxed for the evening rather than going out and risking my neck in the throng of people who can cause your life harm.

My resolution for this year is to teach myself more restraint and to use my will-power to create a more reserved me.

I hope you have all set realistic resolutions for yourselves and succeed in achieving them.

Remember: perception = reality
If you perceive something to be...it is.

Merry Christmas to all... - 12:45pm Thu December 25 2008
By: Benjamin

I haven't posted anything in a while so I thought I would just say Merry Christmas to everyone.

I hope that you have a safe and happy new year and that 2009 offers new and great opportunities.

On the decline - 2:34pm Thu November 20 2008
By: Benjamin

I have been looking at events lately and here's what I would say about current and upcoming events in the world.

The British empire ruled the globe for most of the 17th, 18th and 19th centuries. America came into power for the latter part of the 19th century, all of the 20th century and now America is on the decline. I don't know how long it will take until we are no longer the "empire" so to say, but I do feel that it is happening right now.

America produces less than it consumes, has been bloated into non-innovation, the government is incorrigible busy saving corporate America even though that isn't its' purpose. American's themselves are so busy trying to keep up we can't move forward.

Meanwhile countries like India and China are innovating, motivated and producing the world's goods at an ever rising pace. They are facing problems America faced during its massive growth spurt: pollution being the main component.

Instead of bailing out these businesses which fundamentally are unwilling or not-forcibly required to adapt to the current needs, our government should be focused on some of the ideas that Obama has brought to the table.

I have read some of his ideas and concepts. His plans remind me of the CCC and other civil projects which not only employ Americans but cause us to become producers of tangible goods.

Even though Obama has been given the keys to a sinking ship, I feel his ideas and positive attitude may be able to turn this nation around and bring us back to an honorable position.

I didn't vote for him, but after reading more and more about his plans...I keep hearing the phrase "Help me Obi-wan Kanobi, you're my only hope."

Orphan Works Bill - 11:13am Wed November 19 2008
By: Benjamin

Congress reconvened today and they're scheduled to be in session until Friday. They may try to use the lame duck session to pass the Orphan Works bill in a back room deal.

This bill is very controversial and will strip ordinary citizens of their intellectual property rights without due process.

As an artist I oppose the Orphan Works bill and I have contacted both my senate and congressional representatives. In both cases I received responses which stated how important this issue is, but the respondents never stated how they were going to vote on this issue.

The responses I received really didn't make me feel as though my concerns were being addressed. I don't feel that our "elected" officials (the civil SERVANTS) are concerned about their constituents. We all know that politicians are crooked as a question mark, but why do we allow that as Americans?

Why is it alright for our representatives to serve themselves before us? Why do we accept this fact so blindly and consider it the "best on earth"? Isn't that the reason why the American colonists became separatists from the British empire?

Thomas Jefferson - "A government which is large enough to give you everything you want is large enough to take away everything you have."

Animation artists join in prayer - 7:39am Wed November 19 2008
By: Benjamin

Well it is official. Autodesk has now purchased Avid (SoftImage). This means that C4D is next on the list of 3D applications which are on the hitlist for Autodesk to purchase next.

I haven't had the opportunity to use Maya since it was purchased by Autodesk, I will have to ask Meats if he has seen any dramatic changes.

I don't like the idea of "The One" 3d application, and it seems like that is where it is going to head.

I believe that innovation in the development of these 3d applications is going to "tunnelize". Meaning that since one company owns them all that the vision will be less on evolving software which meets the needs of user requests and more on features as new releases, which seems to be the way of Autodesk.

3DStudio Max has really only had facelifts, but it still works the same as it ever has. The core has had a few improvements, but it still crashes from time to time like all the other releases.

I think that 3d application artists everywhere should get on their knees and pray that Autodesk doesn't mess up all these packages and really tries to innovate.

The Epoch - 10:00am Tue November 11 2008
By: Benjamin

I had been doing some thinking. There is a difference between people born in different times.

Wikipedia describes an epoch as "A defining moment in the beginning of, or characteristic of, a distinctive historical period or era."

Many people who use computers may not know this, but there is a point in time referred to as "The Epoch" in regards to computers. This time is midnight January 1st 1970.

I believe there is a correlation between the Unix Epoch and a distinct difference in perspectives of the people born before and after that moment. A good friend of mine said that "Perspective = Reality" and I believe that because my grandfather used to say to me "If you believe the moon is made of green cheese...by God it is made of green cheese."

The people before "The Epoch" have an almost reverse perspective of life than those born after "The Epoch".

I cannot really define the differences...but I recognize them and I think other people do as well.

I am also willing to bet that each person alive has their own personal Epoch. A moment in time that refines or redefines your perception.

What is your epoch and how did it refine / redefine you?

All for one and one for all - 6:54am Thu November 6 2008
By: Benjamin

My family is regrouping, there has been a slight restructuring in my life. I am working towards finding something which is more suited to what makes me happy.

Life is so very interesting, you meet people who come and go in life. Some of them are around when you're in the middle of a part of life which seems like a test...they seem to be considered more than acquaintances. Some of them are like dust in the wind, they touch you for a second and that's about it. Some of them you really share a bond and they are the ones who are always involved...no matter the distance.

Life is so complex and yet simple simultaneously. Expectations are the most complex object in life to me; who expects what from whom. We all are so eager to believe that we are superior than nature, yet we are all connected through it like lights on a Christmas tree. We are all so eager to feel not alone, yet each of us must go through death as the one. We all feel like we are autonomous, and yet we know that there is a greater tie that binds and moves us.

Being pleasant isn't so difficult. Realizing that just because something bad happens to you doesn't mean that life is over...just changed. Real change is good and should be welcomed. If you can see it in your heart then it is, and you have to live with the only thing we really have control over in this life...our choice.

Who will you choose to be?

The Merciful Sinners - 8:15am Sun October 26 2008
By: Benjamin

The best party of the year...hands down.

Jeff and Monica, it is my honor to be part of your motley soiree. The attention to detail is unparalleled, the food...to die for, the hospitality...undeserved.

I had the best time last night, if my inebriated behavior offended anyone please accept my apologies. I have a reputation of becoming too comfortable around others when I am intoxicated...and believe me I was happily drunk.

Damon...you're a superstar and your wonderful life companion...a stately queen. It is an honor to know you and call you my brother.

Happy Halloween 2008

Life - 6:18am Tue October 21 2008
By: Benjamin

Talking with my uncle last evening we got on the topic of life.

He said "When you die, you won't really die, you'll wake up and find you're in an experiement. You'll find out that all life on earth was really just a metaphysical reaction to different chemicals. I will discover that I am really just using different chemicals to find the ideal life and have to live an entire lifetime in my head in order to discover the properties of a particular chemical being administered in the experiment."

I told I really think that we are all one person who is being shoveled back in time to relive a particular time as each person on the planet. But we aren't allowed to have the conscious awareness that we are all one person when we come back though this time. That is the unspoken idea that we all know about life but usually ignore. It is all a test to see if we can live one perfect life.

Dreeeeeam....dream dream - 4:19am Wed October 15 2008
By: Benjamin

Dreams are such interesting things.
I am a firm believer that I never really sleep, I just happen to be existing in two places at once. Because whenever I wake up in the morning I never really feel like I got any rest...just that I have been busy living a second life in another dimension.

That gets me thinking: Which is really my life, the one I live when I am awake here, or the life I live when I sleep.

Both lives have ups and downs like I believe life has, but they always seem connected somehow. It is almost as if there is a thread which ties them, am I the thread? Possibly I exist on other dimensions as well?

I do feel as though we all have a universal mind and that it fuels our sense of connectivity. Most people tend to ignore this connection of lives we have on this planet. I feel the first group are where all the politicians, accountants and lawyers exist. Some people are more cognitive of the connection but only are aware at times. Then I feel there are those who are so clearly aware of the connection it causes people to be drawn to them. I feel this later group are also the people who are at the heart of existence on this plane of being. They are the people who we know whom we feel drawn to be near. People want to be near them, friends with them, involved. This is where the artists, teachers, construction workers and proctologists exist. Let's face it...you really have to feel like you're connected to the well being of humanity to want to deal with assholes all day.

New inspirations - 6:30am Tue October 14 2008
By: Benjamin

I am writing to anyone who reads this blog to send me a website or book title with information on finding some inspiration for creating art. I have had some mental blocks which have been hindering my ability to come up with new ideas. You can click on the Contact Ben link at the top if you would like to help, or send an email to benjamin@benjamindean.com

Of Gods and Men - 7:09am Thu October 2 2008
By: Benjamin

Sometimes I wonder about the conundrum of destiny vs. chance.

I hate having to believe in destiny knowing that life has so many little troubles. That would mean that somewhere God has planned for us to go through all these trials and tribulations in life. That thought really bothers me, because if God is supposed to love us the way Christians believe then he is also planning for us to go through a lot of hell on earth. I have a hard time feeling good about an entity that would plan for us to deal with life's sorrows.

My problem with that is when something really good happens in life, I find myself saying "Everything happens for a reason." (which is the same thing I say when something bad happens). This means that part of me wants to believe in God, but another part doesn't.

The part that doesn't is the part that believes in chance. The piece of me that sees life as a bunch of molecules dancing around aimlessly which just happen to bump into each other. My problem with believing this way is that I feel that life itself is too well orchestrated to be happenstance.

I don't follow any specific religion but I do believe in God. However my belief in God is that we are God...people, animals, plants, life. The connectivity is the greater good which defines God in our minds. This is another reason why I believe that all the religions of the world are correct in at least one manner of speaking.

Great day to be dad - 11:24am Sat September 27 2008
By: Benjamin

It was a great day to be dad today. Christopher competed in another cross country event and came in the top 10!!!

His running has greatly improved and he is becoming steadier and finding a good pace.

He got his first award ribbon for placing and was so excited. The whole family and his team were very supportive and proud.

He was the first runner from the JV team of the Flashes to finish today and it was great!

He still has room to improve and is aware of that fact. He practices almost nightly during the week and is really taking this serious.

I am happy to be his dad :)

Stalkers and the mirror - 11:08pm Thu September 25 2008
By: Benjamin

Do you ever get the feeling that people are watching you?

Reading what you type...looking at you in your cube as you jam to some Hendrix or TOOL?

Do you ever wonder if you'll have the guts to stop by and say "Hello, I read your blog sometimes (in fact every day, but I don't want to let you know that) and I think that it is rather interesting."

You know you can always stop by...I see you in the mirror from the other side. You don't know I see you...but I do.

People who look, almost everyday, but don't introduce themselves are sometimes known as stalkers....have you looked in the mirror?

Sometimes its not so easy, especially when your only friend talks, sees, looks and feels like you. And you do the same, just like him. - Jimi Hendrix "My Friend" -

If you think I am weird now...just wait until Halloween.
Muhah-hahah-hahahahahahaaaaa!

Hammers and 3D - 6:53am Wed September 24 2008
By: Benjamin

I have been developing websites, 3d content, videos, graphic design and photography for quite a while. I have been part of a lot of conversations where people would want to argue about what 3d animation tool was better, or what graphic design tool was better, or what NLE (non-linear editing) software was better or what platform was better...Mac or PC.

I have come to the conclusion that the primary thing which makes any of these tools different from one another is the artist who is working them. The simile that I used for this while I was teaching was "There are lots of hammers from different manufacturers (Stanley, Craftsman, etc...) but a real carpenter can swing any of them (even if it takes a little time to get used to it) and create beautiful woodwork; and just because you can swing a hammer doesn't mean that you're a carpenter!

Alice the Goon and friends... - 11:30am Mon September 22 2008
By: Benjamin

This was a most interesting weekend. Besides having one heck of a complex wedding shoot on Saturday over 6 hours of driving to and from the wedding itself; I went with Jason Deiwert to the Colts-Jags game to do paint faces for the fans.

The very first person who approaches us is this "huge" lady who rather reminded me of Alice the Goon from Popeye. Well...she seemed so insistent on getting her face painted for free by showing Jason and I various parts of her anatomy (to which we refused repeatedly as we really didn't want that imagery in our minds).

She finally quit threatening us with a nudie-show, we painted her face and moved on with the day. Oddly enough she happened to bring her daughters over to get their face painted. They followed suit with their mother with Jason and I, but not quite as bold as the mother. Jason (being the up-front guy he is) asked "how old are you and let me see your ID?". The girls and mother seemed angry that we asked. Maybe because we were all in a bar's tailgate party in the first place.

Well..as the day went by the mom became more inebriated (as did her daughters) and they all became more belligerent and forward with their intentions. The mother kept making very verbal and physical sexual innuendo to me...while her husband watched! This really put me in an awkward situation.

Well...I tried to avoid contact with this lady, but she kept coming to where I was working and interrupting me. her daughters did a flirt/insult when I passed to go to the restroom. The dad sat there and didn't say anything...which really irked me.

Then at the end of the day, we had packed up and were hanging out drinkin' a beer. I was standing there and this lady and her family get up to go see the game.

She comes over and starts grabbing my drink out of my hand and telling me to come and get it! Jason and his wife stood there as did some of the other people I knew.

They watched as this huge lady had me jumping for my beer.

Then she begins approaching me and pinning me into a corner, where she proceeds to attempt to kiss me (tongue and all!)

I tried to wrestle my head like a little kid fighting from taking his nasty tasting medicine.

Everyone stood there in awe, shock, whatever you want to call it!

I finally wrestled my way from this lady. Her family standing behind her laughing!

I went straight to the restroom and washed my mouth with soap.

I come back and my friends are laughing at how small I was compared to this lady, how I looked like a kid jumping at a bully!

I yelled at Jason "Dude! Why didn't you kick me or somethin'! Isn't that what a friend does when he sees his buddy getting struck by elecricity...kick him off!"

Needless to say I felt very violated by this creepy lady. She kept looking back and waving at me...her whole creepy family laughing the whole way!

Then to keep the odd times moving into the new week...I had someone tape a ".com" to my cube at work and nobody seems to know who it is.

Creepy.

Light Up America... - 5:12am Sat September 20 2008
By: Benjamin

Katrina and I went to see Cheech and Chong last night.

What a great show! I was pleased that they did so much of my favorite stuff from when I was growing up as well as a nice little mix of new stuff to dress themselves.

It was so much fun, and I know you won't believe me if I tell ya...but we were both stone-cold-sober. We had a a blast!

I was hoping to see a little bit more new stuff, but they gave a lot of people what they wanted - the good feelings they had when they used to watch these two growing up in the late 70s and early 80s.

Its a great show and worth the time and money.

Moving forward... - 6:43am Fri September 19 2008
By: Benjamin

Well, I believe I have smoking beat this time!

Although I am still in somewhat of a recover phase, I can feel myself getting better.

Chantix makes my dreams uber-crazy, but they're kinda fun, and I would recommend this medication to anyone who wants to quit smoking.

You know I was thinking in the shower this morning "Wouldn't we save a ton of cash if major tobacco companies were banned?"

That way people who really want to smoke can legally grow their own and not want to go postal.

Health care costs would drop dramatically, one less government lobbyist (and a big one too), and these are just a few of the benefits that I pondered.

I just think that the easiest way (instead of tons of cash being pushed through the system to get us to quit smoking) is to ban major tobacco production. If it isn't readily available...people won't buy it.

We already know that it kills us, but since they throw so much cash at politicians we know it isn't going to be banned for health reasons. That's kinda messed up, they'll ban lead in paint, asbestos, and all kinds of other stuff...but not the one that puts a ton of cash in their pockets.

I am going to write my political representatives and see what I can do.

Nice and nicer - 6:55am Thu September 18 2008
By: Benjamin

Well, I had a medical emergency last weekend and had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days. I went into work on Monday and I have to say that I was surprised.

The jobs I have worked in the past have mostly been the type where they don't care how ill you are...just show up.

Not Pearson. I knew that the team I work with had been working really hard and had some tight deadlines over the next few weeks, so I made sure to show up Monday to help (even though I wasn't doing too well).

I notified my boss that if I don't seem like myself it is because of the medication I was on and I explained my emergency over the past weekend.

I thought it was so nice that my supervisor was more concerned about me getting better, not getting in an accident on the way to work while on my meds, and for the welfare of his team's health than me being a butt in a seat.

His concern made me feel somewhat apprehensive, since I was not used to this type of concern from a supervisor at a job.
But I must say that his reaction really demonstrated one of the reasons that I wanted to join Pearson. He said "Health and family are a great concern and life / work balance is important to me and the company." To actually see a company treating its employees like a person was even nicer.

I spent a few days getting better. I am very grateful.

Production time - 7:11am Fri September 5 2008
By: Benjamin

Started the new job this last week. It isn't quite what I thought I would be doing. It isn't as technical (in regards to development) as I thought either. It is more like a factory job for binary. Take all these parts use these tools and put them together according to these specs.

That's it pretty much.

God bless headphones! It isn't the most exciting work I've done and the cubicle atmosphere is very different from what I have been used to for the past 10 years or so.

I think once I get myself into a groove that I will be able to find more time to begin producing work for myself, of course I have some other things which need tending before I work on anything for myself.

That's it for now.

Proud Father - 8:12pm Mon August 25 2008
By: Benjamin

Well, Christopher has joined the cross country team at his school and I couldn't be happier for him.

His first meet is tomorrow and I can't wait to see how he does!

I started my new job at Pearson Education today. Everyone was great, there is a ton of stuff to learn and it seems like it will be a good position once I get acclimated. I think my dad would be proud of me...I miss him.

Nature ignoring Nature - 6:22am Fri August 22 2008
By: Benjamin

I woke up this morning and was thinking to myself. Man is a piece of nature. We desire things to be "All natural". Yet we try to ignore nigh fight our instincts to be natural.

To provide an example: I let my dogs outside this morning. They had been fed, but when I went back to let them in I caught one of them ransacking the cats bowl for the food she had left. Now this is not the first time I have seen this type of behavior from him. Normally it is the scrap of pizza in the trash receptacle which tempts him beyond reservation. He knows that he is going to be punished for knocking over the bin and scattering the trash through my home, but the natural desire to have that scrap of food supersedes his ability to make a good decision.

People are not unlike dogs, cats or any other animal. Why? Because we are animals. We just happened to be lucky enough to have a opposable thumbs and a brain which can retain longer memory and has slightly higher thought capacity. But when you really boil it down we are no different than any other piece of nature.

People are greedy, lazy, crazy, deceitful, conniving little pieces of nature all running around like we are the center of the universe. People are self-serving beings who take every advantage in order to be the top dog which we can.

So why do we allow ourselves to be separated from nature? I don't see bears running around plowing the earth up in an effort to find some crude oil, I don't see any other piece of nature which hyper-extends its own existence into a false sense of reality...except humans.

Oddly enough all the ugliness in the world is caused by people, yet we seem to believe that it is acceptable and part of being civilized.

Religious cults like to place names on this evil, but it is nothing more than ourselves. We as a race have the ability to do great things and make perceptual analysis, but typically it is only perverted into a sick twisted means to feeding the greed.

I try so hard to surround myself with those who I feel are aware of this fact (although it is seldom if ever spoken). I try to surround myself with people who recognize that we are a piece of what is the great mystery of life and nature.

New Photography Tutorial - 8:32pm Tue August 19 2008
By: Benjamin

Well, I decided to put a tutorial together which I thought would be useful to people who wanted to get a better insight to modifying photographs in Photoshop.

You can visit the tutorials page to see it. Once I complete the loft (hopefully in the next week or so) I will put a tutorial up on how I completed that too.

Depth of field - 9:23pm Sun August 17 2008
By: Benjamin

Life is very similar to photography.

There are times when you need to learn to focus on certain aspects in order to obtain the best results, and there are other times when you think you're looking at life correctly and things are all out of focus.

Understanding this helps to assist with my viewpoint on life a little better:

"If you have a very open mind then you are willing to accept so many viewpoints that your current ability to focus on the future based on past events can be shallowed, rather like depth of field on a camera. However, should you have a very narrow mind in regards to what you are willing to accept, then your ability to forecast your future based on past events becomes deeper."

This is just one way to look at life. I only bring this subject up because I have a lot of friends and family who see life in so many ways (as I myself do too).

But I know some people who only see their point of view, which thus makes it easier for them to see their planned future...but they can be less than interesting in regards to actually living life and can sometimes be unpleasant to be around because they are unwilling to see other people's point of view.

Then I also know other people who are willing to accept several points of view, but they have a very difficult time discovering what they want out of life and really focusing in on what might mean more to them.

This is all very similar to photography and provides an insight to me and my viewpoint on life; I always try to see as many sides of a story as possible, but I never try to lose sight of what is important to me and those I love.

Hurray! - 3:35pm Thu August 14 2008
By: Benjamin

Super news! I was offered a position at Pearson Education today as a Media Producer.

I am so excited and happy. Pearson is an excellent organization and I have spoken with several employees who are very happy working there.

I will start my new position on the day after Labor Day.

Exciting exciting!

The end of your nose - 8:20am Tue August 5 2008
By: Benjamin

I woke up this morning and went down to the gas station to pick up some coffee, I had brought Katrina and Alleesha with me.

When we open the car door Alleesha says "Look!".

I turn around and a person driving an SUV had just been in such a hurry they ran over a kitten. Its head was crushed and its poor little body was flailing and twitching as it died.

Alleesha's curiosity with what had just happened made her want to look, I covered her eyes and said "You don't want to see that baby."

I went inside to tell the clerks of the gas station what had just happened and they would have to clean up the body.

Seeing the response of the clerks showed just how valuable some people consider life to be. Some of the clerks took it very personally while others acted as though someone had just swatted a fly and "Good riddance".

After seeing the body scraped from the concrete with a shovel and dumped in the trash I became saddened and angry.

I was sad because what a terrible way for this poor little animal to have to start its day...being crushed by a truck. I know it happens all the time which is why I became angry.

Most people are so consumed by their own life and have become so centered on the fact that they believe themselves to be the center of the universe and cannot see beyond the end of their nose for the simple fact that would require accepting there is life on this planet which isn't themselves.

Accidents happen...but most accidents can be averted if you just become considerate enough about life to be aware of others.

Turning Leaves - 9:42am Tue July 29 2008
By: Benjamin

The only way to make things better in life is to sit down, roll your sleeves up and get it done.

Another long day - 1:22am Sun July 27 2008
By: Benjamin

Well, it was another long day with Jason airbrushing helmets and tattoos...but still I had fun with my friend and made some money.

I am looking forward to tomorrow so I can wrap up some things which have been needing my attention.

Will post some new 3d images and maybe some video of a game level I have been designing.

Motivational Production - 4:11pm Fri July 25 2008
By: Benjamin

3d animation is fun for me. I prefer modeling and texturing to the other elements of 3d, but I can do them all..some better than others.

I have found that over the course of my professional career that there is a 50/50 split of companies that want someone to be either a generalist or a specialist in regards to 3d animation.

I know what I must do, I have a plan set out in front of me to produce work which represents my abilities but the thing I lack sometimes is motivation. I need to make myself produce work which relates not only to what I believe others want to see...but what I want to produce.

Finding the balance and still having the motivation necessary to want to do excellent work is a fine juggling skill of the internal mind.

It can be done, but sometimes my inner-self fights my external life requirements. Organization gets you so far...passion and dedication get you the rest of the way.

Always be dedicated, passionate and organized and your professional life becomes better thus reflecting on your non-professional existence.

Great Quotes I Believe... - 9:35am Fri July 25 2008
By: Benjamin

"Congressional paternalism absolves personal excesses and reckless behavior while burdening the responsible and cautious with the obligations of others. Until philosophies of responsibility, accountability, and individual choice emerge as guiding principals of the democracy, the United States will continue on a slippery slope towards socialism."
- read on the internet-

"In Times of War, Law Falls Silent"
-Cicero-

"Those who would give up Essential Liberty to purchase a little Temporary Safety deserve neither Liberty nor Safety"
- Benjamin Franklin -

"Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve."
-George Bernard Shaw-

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act."
-George Orwell-

"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS."
-Mohandas K Gandhi-

Seems like forever... - 9:26am Tue July 22 2008
By: Benjamin

Well, I am still in the market for a full-time position.

I have put out a ton of resumes and now I am doing the waiting and follow-up portion of hunting for a job.

It would be nice to get a serious phone call instead of a bunch of head-hunters and recruitment offices who just need stats. I have used those places before and I have only had one that turned into a real job.

Anyway, we went to the fair for a little while last evening so the family could have some fun. I have found that going places like that just isn't as fun (for the kid inside) when you have go on a budget. We got to do a little of everything...but I don't see the state fair in our future this year.

Chris' mom took a dump on him last night before we left (which is one of the reasons we all went to the fair). I called her on it and told her to get a job and quit whining.

She hung up on me and we didn't hear back from her until almost 3 hours after she was supposed to get Chris.

Finding the light - 11:11pm Wed July 16 2008
By: Benjamin

I am a firm believer in "You reap what you sow" and I believe that applies to mental reaping as well. I have found myself in a slump of creativity lately and life issues are getting to me more than I should let them.

I am waking myself up again, a process of personal revitalization I undergo once every few months. I have to find my new eyes since there are no new landscapes and sometimes it is difficult to pull myself into the "DO" mode.

I must remind myself to wake up each day and look in the mirror and say "You can make a difference today for the better.", and then go do it however big or small it may seem.

A little new work in the works - 7:09am Fri July 11 2008
By: Benjamin

Well, I have been working on a new architectural 3d model and it is about halfway complete. It is a Las Vegas loft. I am hoping to have it done by the end of the weekend. I will be posting some images of it soon.

Yesterday I completed some new modifications on the indyacrespaintball site, the owners of the business were happy with the new modifications.

I have a big tournament job for airbrush this weekend with Jason Deiwert and we're both hoping the weatherman is wrong.

Anyway, just wanted to make an update.

Friends - 9:57am Wed July 9 2008
By: Benjamin

Well, I got a call today from a friend of mine. His father had passed away and he needed my help and I am unable to do so due to prior obligations. I hate having to tell a friend I can't do something when they need me.

I offered my help in any other way. I hope that he and his family do well through this difficult time and send my best wishes his way.

This led me to think about the way we denote friends. Some people, like my daughter, tend to think that anyone they meet that is close to their age is a friend. A lot of the time we find out the hard way that this isn't the case. Sometimes that person we think is a friend really isn't that nice or good of a person.

Acquaintance is a more appropriate term for most of the people we know through our lives. It is someone with whom we are familiar but don't necessarily trust them as we would a family member (who we also can't trust sometimes).

I am lucky in that I have about 10 people (outside of my wife, kids and family) whom I would consider my friend. These are people who I trust completely, would do anything for them and I wouldn't be afraid to ask them for anything in return. They are almost always honest with me (because let's face it...we as individuals don't want people to know everything about us) and I in turn am always as honest as possible with them.

I have had people who I started to consider friends...but then in the end turned out to be self-serving jerks. I have some friends who I don't hear from very often...but I always consider them friends nonetheless.

I think we need to really look at those around us and place value on friends, since our families won't always be with us...our siblings and friends are the closest thing we have.

Great Day - 1:22am Sun July 6 2008
By: Benjamin

It was a good day for everyone today. Chris' mom showed up and he went to stay the evening with her, so he was happy. Alleesha was able to go to her friends all day and stay for Katie and Taylor's birthday party and then camp out in the backyard with them, so she was happy.

I had the wonderful opportunity of photographing Kate and Matt today. Katrina came along and gave me some great assistance and we worked very well together, so she and I were happy.

We came back to the studio and reviewed the day's shots of Kate and Matt...and believe me they'll be happy.

So overall, it was a good day. Trina and I went out for a lite dinner and a couple of drinks, and then had a relaxing evening together.

Happy Birthday USA! - 1:05am Sat July 5 2008
By: Benjamin

Hello. Well, I thought it was about time that I put a blog posting up on the site. It is the 4th of July, one of my very favorite holidays...cause I love to blow shit up!

I had a great day with the family and friends. The fam and I went downtown to a nice little field of grass just south of the NCAA building in Indy. Then our friends showed up: Jason, Kristen, Dan, Amanda, Shawn and Michelle along with Jason's & Dan's new additions to their families. (Those girls are so cute).

We blew up a few fireworks and I had a bunch of sparklers leftover so I gave them to the kids around us who were looking so very longingly at my kids who had plenty themselves.

We all laughed and drank a couple of beers and just had a great time. Then we got to watch the fireworks and those were good.

We left sat in traffic for over an hour. Came home and blew up some more stuff.

I had an old box of 1000 firecrackers....I doused them with gas and KABOOM! It was sooo cool!

Anyway, that was the day. Chris' mom let him down by not coming to get him and then gave some pretty lame excuses, but he had a great time with him and we all liked having him back home for the fourth.

Late.

My new blog - 10:34am Mon June 30 2008
By: Benjamin

Well...this is my first attempt at building a blog from the ground up. I have to add some comment fields and other things, but I will get to that a bit later.